By Christa Banister
While much has changed about the world since Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina was published in 1878, a portion of the novel’s opening line still resonates today: “Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The reasons for strained relationships, enduring rifts, and complicated dynamics are often as unique as the people involved. And for an increasing number of families these days, tensions run so high that estrangement from one another is common.
According to a recent Newsweek report, one in four adult Americans are estranged from a family member. That translates to roughly 67 million people, if not more, given how many may not acknowledge the problem.
So why are an increasingly high number of adult children cutting off parents in particular? The reasons for an estranged adult child-parent relationship are far flung and wide reaching.
Sociologist Karl Pillemar, a professor of gerontology in medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine and author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, describes estrangement as “a very widespread problem that was hiding in plain sight.”
Never an Easy Call
Whether your childhood was happy, difficult, or somewhere in between, parents can’t help but play a significant role in our lives and development. Which is why there’s a desire to connect — even simply out of moral obligation — when the relationship is less than perfect.
But as adult sons and daughters become more aware of the importance of good mental health, many are cutting off toxic parents despite how difficult this may be. This phenomenon has even included well-known celebrities such as Britney Spears, Meghan Markle, Jennifer Aniston, rapper Eminem, and NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers.
As adult sons and daughters become more aware of the importance of good mental health, many are cutting off toxic parents despite how difficult this may be.
For some, the decision stems from a traumatic childhood where there was physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. For others, it boils down to growing up in an unhealthy, dysfunctional household with parent(s) struggling with alcohol or drug addiction, according to VeryWellFamily.com.
Other reasons for estrangement may include:
- A messy divorce where parental visitations are no longer required by court order
- Feelings of not being understood, loved, or accepted for who you are
- A lack of boundaries that may result in being parented when you’re a grown adult
- A parent not accepting your spouse or significant other
- Differing values on religion, political beliefs, or your career choices
- Toxicity that causes emotional distress
- Parents who are overly needy and intentionally (or even unintentionally) manipulative
- A mom or dad who repeatedly criticizes or undermines how you parent your own children
- Failure to show empathy
Embracing the Possibility of Reconnecting
VeryWellFamily.com also shared a study conducted by the University of Cambridge in tandem with nonprofit organization Stand Alone that revealed that estrangement from a mother or father isn’t always permanent.
The most common occurrence of cutting off parents is between adult children and their fathers. When this happens, it lasts an average of nearly eight years. With mothers, it’s often less with an average of five and a half years; however, there can also be other complexities that surface as a result of a strained mother-daughter relationship.
For many who’ve experienced an estranged adult child-parent relationship, it’s a mixed bag of feelings and expectations regarding reconciliation. Many times, though, the timing and potential rewards of not being separated are worth the risk.
It’s been said that “time heals all wounds,” but is a healthy amount of distance from a family member enough to help make amends? Maybe. But probably not.
While it’s certainly easier to be open to the possibility of reconnecting after you’ve had some time away to process what was dividing you, it’s also important to learn how to set healthy family boundaries for successful interactions moving forward.
For many who’ve experienced an estranged adult child parent relationship, it’s a mixed bag of feelings and expectations regarding reconciliation.
Of course, you still might not agree on everything, including even some important principles, but you’ll have a clear and specific strategy for better managing hurt feelings, guarding your emotional well-being, and addressing painful disagreements instead of holding them in.
If you or a young adult you care about is struggling with emotional trauma, addiction, or mood disorders and needs guidance with fostering healthy family dynamics, the caring professionals at Claudia Black Young Adult Center are here to help. With personalized options tailor-made for you, you will gain the tools necessary for healthy relationships that are vital once treatment is completed. Reach out today to learn more.